Another lover lost, another long lonely winter on it’s way. That is the is single hardest thing about living in the north, loving and losing all the time. In the north, in a transient working town you always meet new people and connect with them in the intense way that one does in a remote isolated region, but at some point or another, everyone leaves. That’s the nature of the place and of the type of “fly in, fly out” work that goes on here …
But so far the person leaving has never been me, so I’m the person always being left. And I know each time I meet someone new that it’s going to end, and that the end itself won’t even be predictable. One day this person is a part of my life and the next he is laid off. Maybe he’ll come back in a few months, maybe he won’t.
At least I got to see him at the airport, to feel his arms holding me (that was always my favorite thing about our relationship, the way he would hold me so tight) one more time, and to look at him, in his eyes and tell him to take care of himself. I have regrets, I wish I could have opened up more to him, could have been there more for him, especially as he’s going through some hard things in his life now.
One day, I’ll be the person doing the leaving but right now I am the person being left and after 3 years, it’s hard always going through the same thing.
But despite that I keep trying, I keep going out, I keep saying hello to new people that I meet, and letting myself care about them. Sometimes I wonder while I’m up here in this transient state, would it be better to just not get attached to anyone? But I can’t just live with my whole life on hold, and isn’t life itself unpredictable, aren’t we all just in a transient state?
Maybe rather I need to learn to hold onto people stronger, to give it all my all in the time that I have with a person. To stop trying, myself, to run away from people. To not use living in the north, traveling, or wanting to be free to travel, as an excuse to not let myself hold onto someone.