Sometimes the small habits and routines are what you need.
I want the feeling of leaving, to leave this feeling behind, I want the distraction of somewhere new, the rush of doing something I’ve never done before, I want to be a stranger and – free.
But I can’t escape and escaping won’t take this away, maybe what I really need is to stay and absolve myself in the little things, making coffee in the morning, the hot water of the shower rushing against my back, napping with the soft panting of my dog beside me and in these things I can go back to myself. I need to learn to live with this, the intense loneliness of the north, the crazy feeling it makes inside of me. I need to accept it and let it be a part of my life along with these little routines, because running from it has not worked so far.
We’ve had snow covering the ground for 3 weeks now. A part of me dreads the long winter ahead – it starts now in October and won’t be over till May, yet the stillness of this morning also feels good. The snow coats everything in white and quietness, a blanket of it over everything. It is pretty and although I hate the cold, it’s soothing, I can rest in the stillness, cocoon for a little while and heal.
It’s sunny out and the sky is so big and bright the way it is in the north, with the snow to reflect off of and no tall buildings to block it, but I feel half asleep as I drive to work. It’s a restful half asleep-ness, like all the stress and anxiety has left my body, all the pressure to be, to do, to have. And I am just myself with what I have inside of me.